There is a question I think we sometimes ask too literally when we’re vetting someone:
“What happened in your last relationship?”
It’s a good question.
But I’m becoming increasingly convinced that the answer isn’t the only thing worth listening to.
Listen to the story.
Listen to where responsibility goes.
Listen to whether anyone learns anything.
Listen to whether the other person is still allowed to be human.
Listen to who the storyteller becomes when they describe being hurt, disappointed, rejected, angry, or wrong.
Because when someone tells you about their previous relationships, they aren’t only giving you information about their exes.
They’re giving you information about themselves.
And sometimes the most valuable information is hiding in the way the story gets told.
People Learn the “Right” Answers
One of the limitations of vetting is that people can learn what healthy answers are supposed to sound like.
Ask:
“How do you handle conflict?”
Most people know better than to answer:
“I scream until the other person gives up.”
They’ll probably say:
“I believe in communication.”
Ask:
“How important are boundaries?”
Very few people will respond:
“I find them terribly inconvenient and generally prefer ignoring them.”
They’ll tell you boundaries matter.
Ask about consent.
Accountability.
Communication.
Trust.
Respect.
People know these words.
That doesn’t mean they’re being deceptive. Most of us genuinely believe the things we say about ourselves.
But there’s a difference between knowing our values and recognizing how consistently we live them.
That’s why I think stories are interesting.
A rehearsed answer tells you what someone believes.
A story sometimes shows you how they think.
Listen for Accountability
Suppose someone tells you about an ugly breakup.
Their partner lied.
Trust collapsed.
There were terrible arguments.
Eventually the relationship ended.
Nothing about that automatically concerns me.
People genuinely do get treated badly.
But somewhere in the story, can this person recognize their own behavior?
Maybe:
“I stayed much longer than I should have because I kept hoping things would change.”
Or:
“By the end, I was angry all the time and I said things I’m not proud of.”
Or:
“I avoided conversations because I didn’t want another fight. Looking back, that made things worse.”
Or simply:
“They hurt me, but I didn’t handle everything well either.”
Accountability doesn’t mean accepting responsibility for what another person did.
That’s an important distinction.
Someone can have been mistreated and still reflect honestly on their own choices.
The question isn’t whether they can manufacture blame for themselves.
It’s whether they seem capable of examining themselves at all.
Listen for Complexity
Some relationships really do have one person behaving terribly.
So I would never suggest that every breakup needs to be divided neatly into:
“Fifty percent my fault, fifty percent theirs.”
Relationships don’t work like accounting ledgers.
But listen for someone’s ability to tolerate complexity.
Can they say:
“I understand why they were angry, even though I disagree with what they did.”
Can they acknowledge that someone had good qualities despite a painful ending?
Can they distinguish between:
“They hurt me”
and
“Everything about them was terrible”?
That ability to hold complexity matters because eventually you may be the person disagreeing with them.
Listen for Curiosity
This one fascinates me.
What did they learn?
Not:
“I learned never to trust anyone again.”
Go deeper.
What did they learn about themselves?
What did they miss?
What would they recognize sooner now?
What attracted them to that relationship in the first place?
What kept them there?
What did they misunderstand?
What would they do differently?
Someone who has genuinely examined their past often has questions about themselves, not merely conclusions about everyone else.
Maybe they realized they ignored incompatibility because the chemistry was extraordinary.
Maybe they rushed intimacy.
Maybe they failed to communicate something important.
Maybe they repeatedly chose emotionally unavailable people.
Maybe they discovered that something they thought they wanted actually didn’t work for them.
Maybe they learned to establish a boundary earlier.
The lesson doesn’t need to be profound.
But curiosity matters.
Because without curiosity, we can repeat a relationship ten times while insisting we’ve dated ten completely different problems.
Listen for Growth
This is where the conversation moves from:
“What happened?”
to:
“What changed?”
If someone tells you they learned that they ignored their own boundaries, what do they do differently now?
If communication destroyed their previous relationship, how have they worked on communication?
If jealousy became destructive, what have they learned about handling jealousy?
If they repeatedly rushed into relationships, are they moving more slowly now?
Insight is valuable.
Changed behavior is more valuable.
Growth leaves evidence.
Not perfection.
Evidence.
Listen for Empathy
Empathy does not mean someone has to speak lovingly about a person who hurt them.
They don’t owe an abusive or harmful former partner a glowing character reference.
They don’t need to forgive them.
They don’t need to minimize what happened.
But there is another kind of empathy worth noticing.
Can this person understand that other people experience situations differently?
Can they describe someone’s perspective without immediately treating that perspective as stupidity, manipulation, or an attack?
Can they say:
“I don’t agree with why they felt that way, but I understand that they did”?
That’s a useful relationship skill.
Because empathy isn’t agreement.
It’s the ability to recognize that another person’s experience remains real even when it differs from yours.
And someday the different perspective may be yours.
Listen for Repetition
One difficult former partner tells you very little.
Two may still tell you very little.
Life is messy.
People make painful choices.
Sometimes people genuinely experience several unhealthy relationships.
So this is not about counting exes and diagnosing a pattern from the outside.
It’s about listening.
Every former partner was jealous.
Every former partner was controlling.
Every former partner was narcissistic.
Every former partner was crazy.
Every former partner misunderstood them.
Every former partner suddenly changed.
Every former partner abandoned them for no reason.
Every former partner couldn’t handle their Dominance.
Every former partner couldn’t handle their submission.
Maybe.
Any individual story could be completely true.
But when the same basic story appears repeatedly, I become curious.
Not accusatory.
Curious.
What pattern does the storyteller see?
Do they see one?
Have they ever wondered why similar relationships keep developing?
Patterns aren’t verdicts.
They’re invitations to ask another question.
Pay Attention to Contempt
There is another thing I listen for.
Not criticism.
Contempt.
Someone can be furious about what happened to them.
They can describe terrible behavior.
They can say:
“I want nothing to do with that person ever again.”
Fair enough.
But notice when every story becomes an opportunity to humiliate the former partner.
Their intelligence.
Their appearance.
Their body.
Their sexuality.
Their mental health.
Their submission.
Their Dominance.
Their insecurities.
Things they disclosed privately.
Especially things shared during vulnerable moments.
Because this raises a different question:
What happens to the things I tell you in confidence if someday you become angry with me?
That’s not really a question about the ex anymore.
It’s a question about character.
Listen to How They Describe Rejection
This one doesn’t receive enough attention.
What happens in their stories when someone stops choosing them?
When someone says no?
When a submissive leaves?
When a Dominant ends the dynamic?
When someone chooses another partner?
When affection changes?
When sexual access ends?
Do they become entitled to an explanation?
Do they punish?
Retaliate?
Expose private information?
Begin a campaign to prove the other person was terrible?
Or can they say:
“It hurt like hell. I didn’t want it to end. But they were allowed to leave.”
We learn an enormous amount about people when they don’t get what they want.
That matters in every relationship.
It matters even more when we’re considering giving someone authority, vulnerability, intimate information, physical access, or submission.
Don’t Turn This Into a Red-Flag Checklist
This is where I want to be careful.
I don’t want you leaving this article thinking:
“They complained about an ex. RED FLAG.”
No.
Someone may have survived an abusive relationship.
Someone may still be angry.
Someone may still be grieving.
Someone may not yet have elegant language for something painful.
Someone may tell an objectively horrifying story in which they genuinely bear very little responsibility for what happened.
Trauma doesn’t owe us a beautifully balanced narrative.
And emotional maturity does not require pretending people who harmed us were wonderful.
This isn’t about policing how someone talks about pain.
It’s about listening for patterns over time.
Don’t score one sentence.
Don’t diagnose someone from one story.
Don’t assume bitterness automatically means guilt.
Listen.
Observe.
Ask another question.
And pay attention to what repeats.
Then Turn the Question Around
There’s one uncomfortable thing about writing articles like this.
Eventually I have to point the flashlight back at myself.
How do I tell my relationship stories?
Who am I in every breakup?
Do I always become the reasonable one?
The misunderstood one?
The person who tried everything?
The person everyone else failed?
Can I identify things I would do differently?
Can I acknowledge someone else’s experience without invalidating my own?
Can I talk about someone who hurt me without using their vulnerability as ammunition?
Have I actually changed the patterns I claim to understand?
Those questions may be more valuable than anything we ask a potential partner.
Because vetting shouldn’t only help us become better at evaluating other people.
It should make us harder to fool about ourselves.
You’re Listening for the Person Behind the Story
The goal isn’t to catch someone.
It isn’t to interrogate them until they contradict themselves.
It isn’t to demand perfect accountability for every relationship they’ve ever had.
It’s to understand them.
Their stories give you another window.
Listen for accountability.
Complexity.
Curiosity.
Growth.
Empathy.
Patterns.
Listen to how they describe boundaries.
Conflict.
Rejection.
People they once loved.
People who disappointed them.
And themselves.
Because eventually your relationship will have a misunderstanding.
Eventually you may disappoint them.
Eventually you may say no when they desperately want yes.
Eventually one of you may make a mistake.
And perhaps someday the relationship itself will end.
That’s why the most important thing you’re learning may not be whether their ex was actually difficult.
You’re learning something much more relevant to your own future:
You’re not only vetting the person they are with you. You’re learning who they become when a relationship stops going their way.
And that person deserves just as much attention as the charming one sitting across from you while everything is still going beautifully.
A Question to Sit With
Think about the stories you’ve heard from someone you’re considering trusting—or the stories you tell about your own past.
What do those stories reveal about how the storyteller understands accountability, conflict, growth, and repair?
Not who was the villain.
Not who won.
What did they learn?
Want to Go Deeper?
Before the Collar: The Complete Guide to Vetting Healthy BDSM Relationships takes this same approach to vetting: not telling you who you should choose, but helping you learn what to observe, what to ask, and how to make your own informed decisions before greater trust, vulnerability, submission, or authority is exchanged.
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